A can of worms

Today, I got really all shook up!!!! Hey! watch out your steps, guys... you put such an accident waiting to happen on my mind! just be careful!

Guys, I now really understand what a bullshit thing those people told me so far! and I realize now that those one are too wrapped up in themselves! and I'm such a mad as a hornet now!
Well, I'm talking about some people in my life and perhaps I may say 'people used to be in my life'. What? used to be? Yeah! it is!!!
I hardly figure out what's goin' on their mind now. A really absurd though! Those people totally make a mountain out of a molehill! but at least finally those people show their real colors!
Well, lemme address this thing to:

1. Someone who once told me about friendship and brotherhood enthusiastically but now this person totally ruined them all at once. This one who can easily blame someone over something's running bad and wrong. This one who can easily take you into his/her life but then will easily kick you out when you are not after his/her own heart any more. This one is really creative to create a such complicated situation and then will let you die in it lonely but when you find the way out this person won't easily say 'thank you' as well won't easily to say 'sorry'. This one often does fake things. Fake love! Fake friendship! Fake brotherhood! Gosh! if only I could say many things to air this person's dirty laundry, I would do it easily, happily and maximally!!!!!
   
2. Someone who once told me that 'we can't see our own back by ourselves unless we have mirror and that's why I like drawing someone's back". Now, I totally understand what this means. Thiis person doesn't have any mirror that's why this one can't see the back. But I can see this one's back clearly and it's full of mystery, a really dark one! Guys! how can you appreciate someone who can easily snap bad words at you anytime this person goes mad and get angry? I totally can not and will not!!!!! this one talks about dreams, happiness, hopes, loves, care, acceptance, solidarity, etc but then this one cracked ruined destroyed all those stuffs. Finally, when this person decided to remove me and block me from a social network we linked, I did the same things, but not from my social network Url, I removed and blocked this person from my heart, my mind, and I'm trying to remove and block this person from my life!!! It's a really disappointed friendship!
   
3. Someone who once demanded me to show my maturity but then this person never listen to my words even once! This person always has many things to make all decisions, actions, everything seem all well and nice, even in fact those all are the source of such a really complicated situation and it often drives me fail to make heads or tails of all those hot potato. This person can easily fire all bad words just to show all of anger, frustration, silly actions etc in order to make others know what's happening. This one can hardly appreciate you even you're older and speak of the shake of this person. This person's such an unstablest one and such a really sharp person in laying on with a trowel!
   

They all drive me mad, really mad! even more my friends.
Sometimes, I really want to fire them all with all bad rude words and damn them all by the lowest bad words available on a dictionary but I'm not them! I'm different! I just want to knock the heaven's door and ask the Almighty God to show them the better though, guide their hearts to show brighter things, unlock their locked tough hearts so then they can really understand what friendship and brotherhood means, can really realize that they are not the best creatures on the earth, that there is a sky over a sky, can really figure out how to appreciate the differences and so on.
Dear God... I beg Your Mercy to save me from being a really bad stubborn silly person.

All those stuffs drive me crazy!!!

I totally miss my fellas so I embedded these links to treat my yearning that runs badly on my mind ^_^
Miss you tons, amigos....

Celebrating Da's birthday

behind the scene:

1. Giny and I sneaked out in that time to buy some cake for the birthday-boy, Daud. We went around the univ boulevard and then went to some other cafes but finally we got the cake at 4th ave. Unfortunately, we didn't enjoy the cake since the cake was wiped off to our faces, arms even our hair.... LOL the craziest birthday celebration I ever experienced so far... LOL
2. Dang! in the second video you guys may hear an annoying girl's voice ^_^ It was the camera-girl's voice and it's ME! It's my voice! LOL.... it's really freaking annoying voice! :D
3. We rode the bicycle and ran away from drizzle
4. I had to clean my room after the crazy celebration coz of some cake stains on carpet and bed cover
5. The girls swam in the pool together with complete suit. I mean we wore our jilbab (head cover) and clothes. Guys, we swam at NIGHT!!! some other international students stared at us!!! LOL.... :D
   

Well, here another video when we're performing Dindin badindin dance at Indonesian day show at CESL, The University of Arizona, USA. Look at our traditional outfits! they're amazing, aren't they? ^_^


Another video I attached here is this stuff. I'm really bad fighter!!!! LOL..... this is unedited version, the original one... take a look!



and this is edited-version one. I like the slow motions of the video ^_^

Behind the scene facts:

1. Daud and I just spent about 4 times to practice this Pencak silat. Actually it's kinda hard one since I've never practiced pencak silat any more for years and also Daud and I were the member of different Pencak silat community.
2. We practiced the stunt moves at the park nearby Sahara Apartment, where we stayed for 2 months, in afternoon
   
3. I got a scar on my forehead after falling down when practicing the show but thanks God, It's vanish and all clean ^_^
4. Some of Da's attacks completely hit me for sure since I couldn't anticipate 'em well and even I dropped my body to wrong position and Ouch! it's painful T_T
   
5. Daud is kinda professional fighter and I'm an amateur one (giggling... *_*)

Finally, I wanna say to these guys that I miss them all and also miss the memories we have like crazy. Dear God, give us more chance to meet each other and get together again. Truly, I thank you My Dear God for such the great chance You gave me. Alhamdulillah.....

Kabaret!

Huah! Sudah lama gak nonton teater atau kabaret! but finally, I watched it tonight! ^_^ Got a refresher with a Roro Jongrang cabaret played by SMANSA Pangkalpinang students at Sat nite, Not bad! It's quite awesome.

Here are some snapshots I captured during the show but unfortunately I forgot to bring my Canon digi-cam so I took 'em by my SE phone-cam as result the pictures are not really good. But it's ok!

This cabaret was started around 8 p.m but frankly speaking the hosts saw teeth an edge ^_^ sorry guys to say this but it was really necessary that the hosts prepared much better than they did. But anyway, good job, guys!

This shot is may fav shot because of the red bicycle. It's really nice bicycle! It was part of the show when Roro Jongrang met the crown prince. The red bike is Roro Jongrang's wheeler

While this pic is one of the scenes when The crown prince defeated the Devil queen and her soldiers. The prince's sacred after having the magic power ^_^ You know, the student played as the adult crown prince did his role amazingly. He's my fav actor in the show as I loved the actress who played as the queen consort. Their acting was great! ^_^
I do love the one who played as the betrayed-commander's pander. His face expression was great! It seemed that he spoke naturally trough his face and eyes. What a great expression! moreover, the acting of prince's baby sitter was also nice. Her fussy-coquette expression's played well even though some parts of the show- when Surti (the baby sitter) and Tejo (the king's pander) and some other girls talked in some dialogues, for instance- were annoying and faded the plot.
I do like some parts of fighting choreography. The fighting choreography played by The crown prince, The King, The betrayed-commander and his pander, The genie and some other soldiers was great and amazing!

In contrary, I didn't like Roro Jongrang's acting as I didn't like Roro Jongrang's ladies acting. They're lack of expression. In most parts they played in kinda flat emotion and it lil bit got me disappoint since Roro Jongrang's one of the core players in the show. I also found some unnecessary scenes and dialogue because of some reasons. Those unnecessary stuffs ruined the plot lil bit. I got upset when I watched some more dialogues in the end of the show. In my opinion as an audience, it was the great climax when the prince screamed head off when Roro Jongrang turned into a statue but unfortunately cabaret director gave some more dialogues and scenes that led to anticlimactic plot.
Well, I'm not an expert in this stuff but as an audience I just want to give my impression, thought, opinion, or something like that as I give my salute and my-two-thumb-up for all crew and all player of the show. You guys did awesome job and deserve great applause and high appreciation. Good luck for the next shows and I'll be totally waiting for it.

Bye for now. Got to go to bed ^_^

Lemme sing the song!!!!

eI love music! I'M SUCH A MUSIC LOVER! but, that's all and you have to stop saying about it coz I can't sing at all nor play the instrument!!! T_T

Today, I learned how to sing accompanied by a pianist Mr. Abu but still I can't sing well... LOL... but anyway, thanks a lot sir!
I'm not a good singer even ain't a great newbie.... but still I LOVE MUSIC!!!
Well, the music class's closed! ^_^ I'm such a suck singer!!! T_T

Horta!!!!

Finally, I got a Horta doll!! Yippee!!!!! I've been dreaming it for months ago... and finally I got it now LOL..... Here is my Platypus Horta Grass doll!....

She's on my Ion

Still bald without any grassy hair yet ^_^

Should she get a name? Hmmm.... let me name her 'Platy' and soon she'll be Grassy Platy.... ^_^ LOL
Welcome the cute Platy!!! let time grow your hair.... ^_^

What a fascinating trip!!!

Welcome to Bangka Botanical Garden

Today, March 13 2011 I had a really great trip to Bangka Botanical Garden and actually I've been waiting for this such trip since months even years ago LOL and today I did it!!!! ^_^

My friend, my friend's friends and I went there at 2 p.m and thanks God the rain stopped falling down. After asking the permission from the garden security guard we entered there and jreng!!! tadaaaaa!!!! here they are green fresh plants welcome our eyes, body and soul. Nice!
Well, let me tell you something about this fascinating garden.

the BBG front gate

This eco-tourism garden is located in Pangkalpinang, the capital of Bangka Belitung Archipelago Province. It's in industrial area of Ketapang and has been developed since 2007. this garden is about 300 hectare. It takes only about 15 minutes by motorcycle from the downtown and about 10 minutes by car to reach the garden, but be really careful when you pass the road because you may rub up against trucks since there are many smelters nearby.

Australian pines range

Hey! Look up at those Australian Pines (Causarina equisetifolia) range! Amazing!!! Guys, you can find a long stream alongside the way when you walk around this botanical garden. Trust me, your stress will run away and the fresh mind will come a-near.

Guys, this botanical garden will serve you many things. Just go around the garden and you can find cow houses and also the dairy cattle and if you're lucky enough you can see some cow men squeezing the milk and may be you can give them hand to squeeze the cows directly. Isn't it cool, huh?!
There, you also can find some fish ponds, mangrove trees, various plants such as those Australian pine/ beach sea-oak and napier grass, some wooden houses, a river surrounded by the wooden shelters and you will find dragon fruit/pitaya (Hylocereus undatus) field as well (but today we're not lucky because the dragon fruit field gate was closed and automatically we explored nowhere in the field even we saw no ripe fruit T_T)

sorry dude! you're unlucky! :p

Pitaya/dragon fruit field

another snapshot in a shelter at the bank

surrounded by napier grass (Pennisetum purpureum)

Well, thanks to my friend, Tari 'cilik' for taking me to this eco-tourism garden. Today's trip was wonderful!

I really appreciate you guys

I've been teaching English since couple years ago but only at this time I really enjoy my class this much (soooooooooooooooo muuuuch) ^_^
They are, those incredible high-motivated students are students of the favorite school here in my town but frankly, they are not really good at English but still I enjoy my time teaching them. They are really high-motivated and awesome students. They are really eager to learn English. They love to practice the speaking even though I have to work lil bit harder to correct their sentences but actually this is one of parts I like the most. ^_^ I really appreciate you guys.... and the others should learn from your motivation. You're incredible!!!

MENDENDAM!!!!

Aku ingin tidak peduli, bukan mendendam
Aku ingin tidak peduli, bukan mendendam Aku ingin tidak peduli, bukan mendendam Aku ingin tidak peduli, bukan mendendam Aku ingin tidak peduli, bukan mendendam Aku ingin tidak peduli, bukan mendendam!!!!
Ugh!!!!
No more words I can say....

Cokelat yang Tanpa Rasa

Cokelat emang udah ganti vokalis! Bukan lagi seorang Kikan dengan suara khasnya yang akrab sekali sebagai icon Cokelat, tapi seorang jebolan ajang pencarian bakat Indonesian Idol, Sarah.
Well, aku bukan fans beratnya Cokelat tapi untuk beberapa lagu tertentu aku menyukai Cokelat. Nah, ada satu lagu terbaru Cokelat yang melantun dari sang vokalis baru, Sarah, yang menjadi inspirasi tulisan kali ini. Tepat banget itu lagu saya tujukkan ke wajah-wajah orang-orang yang sekarang telah berada dalam list untuk tak lagi dimaknai secara khusus. Lirik lagu ini memang mampu mewakili apa yang ada di fikiranku belakangan ini. Hahahah.... kupilih kata 'tak peduli' untuk mereka yang memilih mendepak saya dari kehidupan mereka. Untuk mereka yang memilih mengibarkan bendera perang itu kupilih bendera berwarna bening yang bermakna 'tanpa rasa' seperti lirik lagu Cokelat ini

Aku tak rasa lagi hilang akan dirimu
Aku tak rasa lagi hampa tanpa dirimu
Aku telah biasa untuk melepaskannya
Aku sudah biasa untuk tanpa dirinya

Semua yang telah terjadi biarlah terjadi
Semua yang kan terjadi biarkan menjadi
Aku telah biasa untuk hadapi semua
Aku sudah biasa hadapi segalanya

Tak ada lagi sedih untuk kehilanganmu
Tak ada lagi tangis untuk dirimu
Tak akan ada benci kepadamu
Semua tentang dirimu semua telah berlalu

Aku tak rasa lagi hilang akan dirimu
Aku tak rasa lagi hampa tanpa dirimu
Aku telah biasa untuk melepaskannya
Aku sudah biasa untuk tanpa dirinya

Tak ada lagi sedih untuk kehilanganmu
Tak ada lagi tangis untuk dirimu
Tak akan ada benci kepadamu
Semua tentang dirimu semua telah berlalu

Tak ada lagi sedih untuk kehilanganmu
Tak ada lagi tangis untuk dirimu
Tak akan ada benci kepadamu
Semua tentang dirimu semua telah berlalu

TIDAK PEDULI mungkin setingkat lebih tinggi diatas tanpa rasa and they (those people) deserve this as they block me from their life *shoutin'

Apakah Aku Bagian Darimu?

Seorang teman mengatakan bahwa kini aku adalah bintang yang kesepian, karena malam terlalu pekat untuk kujejaki sendirian. Dan, sepertinya temanku itu memang tak keliru. Sepi! Potret buram sisi hidupku kini.
Sepi adalah temanku... memang sahabatku, tapi tidak sesunyi ini...
Apakah aku telah terlalu lama dan jauh berkelana???
Berada ditengah keluarga sendiri kadang aku tetap merasa sepi bahkan tak jarang aku bertanya "apakah aku bagian dari mereka?". Kadang, tak jarang secara emosi aku kehilangan makna, berada diantara orang-orang yg kusayang dan kuhormati tak memupuskan kesepianku. Sungguh kadang aku merasa bahwa I'm not part of them somehow... mungkin karena waktuku terlalu banyak habis diperantauan... 11 tahun bukan waktu yang singkat untuk membuatku begitu mandiri... bahkan kadang merasa aku mampu melakukan segalanya dengan usahaku sendiri... hingga pada akhirnya pada titik tertentu aku merasa rapuh, tanpa pegangan, lalu menyadari bahwa orang-orang disekelilingku adalah asing bagiku.
Aku telah terlalu lama berkelana, mungkin.
Berkaca pada putaran waktu, aku memang cendrung tak terlalu banyak bicara, bahkan mungkin aku menikmati hidup dalam dunia imajiku. Tumbuh bersama dunia anak laki-laki hampir saja membuatku sempurna sebagai gadis tomboy. Bermain sepeda hobiku, bermain bola aku suka, anak laki-laki teman akrabku bahkan ketika masuk asramapun aku banyak kmengenal teman laki-laki, semuanya dalam koridor teman atau kolega organisasi. Setiap tahun bahkan aku selalu punya seorang senior yang menyebutku sebagai adik mereka dan aku memanggil mereka kakak. Aku yang tak memiliki seorang abang kandung merasa memiliki ganti dengan keadaan ini. Aku tak pernah benar-benar kesepian dengan puluhan teman-teman yang selalu ada meski kadang aku merasa sunyi pada titik-titik tertentu.
Pada masa kuliah, aku pun tetap lebih mudah akrab dengan teman laki-laki, mungkin karena ada jiwa maskulin yang kadang mengalahkan sisi femininku membuatku cendrung mudah membaur ditengah-tengah mereka dan sikap teman-teman yang mampu mengapresiasi prinsip dan pribadiku sebagai seorang perempuan juga menjadi faktor penting bagi langgengnya hubungan pertemananku meski notabenenya teman-teman karibku mayoritas laki-laki. Meski ketika itu aku tak memiliki kendaraan sendiri, toh itu tidak terlalu menyulitkan mobilisasiku karena ada teman-teman yang bersedia dan berbaik hati untuk kutodong mendukung mobilisasiku. Selalu saja hari libur menjadi waktu menyenangkan yang ditunggu-tunggu meski hanya diisi dengan ngobrol dan hang out di kampus, kantin kampus atau ruang BEM dan tempat-tempat wisata lokal lainnya. Overall, ketika itu aku tak pernah merasa sepi meski tak pelak, pada titik-titik tertentu aku merasa sendirian total, tapi itu bukan dominasi.
Fakta kemudian berbalik setelah aku kembali ke tengah-tengah keluarga tempat dimana aku berada. Kembali ke kota kecil yang perlahan mulai merangkak menuju besar ini, Pangkalpinang. Hari-hariku didominasi sepi dan sendiri. Secara finansial aku mampu menghasilkan uang yang lebih dari cukup untuk memenuhi kebutuhanku sendiri, bahkan aku masih mampu menyisakan lebih dari setengahnya untuk mengisi rekening bank yang kupunya. Aku juga sudah mampu membeli sebuah motor dengan hasil uang jerih payahku sendiri, tapi banyak dari sisi hidupku yang didominasi oleh sepi.
Aku merasa kerdil disini. Aku merasa dunia tidak terlalu ramah denganku disini. Aku merasa langkahku tak lebar disini. Aku mersa ada pagar gaib yang menyempitkan hidupku. Aku sepi. Aku sunyi. Bahkan kadang aku menangis tanpa sebab pasti selain sebuah kata SEPI. Seringkali aku malah berfikir bahwa aku benar-benar membutuhkan campur tangan seorang psychiatry atau therapist entah untuk apa, mungkin sekedar membantu membebaskanku dari belenggu yang tak kasat mata, yang mungkin sesungguhnya tak ada tapi hanya aku yang merasa bahwa itu ada atau hanya untuk mendengar dari A-Z ceritaku, keluh kesahku, kebingunganku. Aku merasa tersesat di tempat yang seharusnya kukuasai sepenuhnya.
Sempat aku merasa hidup kembali saat memiliki beberapa teman karib, tapi entah mengapa akhirnya segala yang terjadi menyadarkanku jika aku bukan apa-apa bagi mereka. Aku yang begitu menganggap mereka berharga, tapi tidak mereka. Banyak kejadian akhirnya membuka mataku bahwa aku seharusnya memang tak mesti ada diantara mereka. Dijauhi itu sakit, namun semua akan sembuh dalam waktu singkat saat kita menemukan alasan mengapa kita juga harus mengatur langkah, bukan? keegoisan, keangkuhan merasa bahwa mereka sangat amat kubutuhkan, keangkuhan yang membuatku muak akhirnya membebaskanku dari rasa sayang dan hormat serta penghargaanku kepada mereka bahkan mendendam atas sikap mereka yang seolah menganggapku tak ada, tanpa harga, bukan bagian dari mereka. Hingga kini yang masih tetap ada menganggapku nyata dan ada hanya satu orang saja. Dia yang memiliki nasib sama sepertiku, tak beda jauh. Dia didepak, sama seperti aku. Ditinggalkan, sama seperti aku. Dilupakan dan mungkin dikecam bersalah tak berbeda denganku. Kesamaan nasib memang seringkali menguatkan kaitan emosi bahkan batin diantara orang-orang yang berbeda sekalipun.
Dia yang seringkali menjadi theraphist bagi sepiku meski hadirnya hanya pada paruh waktu dalam dunia di genggamanku, handphone. Tapi ya, bagiku dia adalah oase tempatku berlari dari monotonnya hidupku meski yang ada hanya cerita-serita pendek sehari-hari.
Selebihnya, aku terseret sepi. Seringkali linglung dalam sunyi dan lintang pukang menghindari kesendirian. Tapi aku jarang selamat. Selalu saja terbekap sepi. Duniaku kian menyempit. Langkahku kian berat meski kadang jiwa berteriak berontak minta dibebaskan. Aku benar-benar takluk pada sepi dan sunyi kini hingga tak jarang aku meminta kembali pada masa-masa ketika aku tak serapuh ini terperangkap ranjau sepi dan sunyi.
Temanku yang berkata ketika itu memang benar, aku adalah bintang, bintang yang kesepian.
Aku ingin berkelana lagi saja Tuhan, membebaskan sunyiku dan jiwaku dari belenggu.
Aku ingin menjelajah lagi Tuhan, seperti ketika Engkau izinkan aku menjadi diriku sendiri dalam mensyukuri karuniaMu. ijabah pintaku Tuhan...
Aku benci sepi ini...

Ayna Mafar.......?

Kemana tujuanku?
Besok libur nasional, tanggal merah... mau kemana????
Pengeennnn banget ke pantai, udah kangen laut, udah pengen menikmati tenang, udah pengen menikmati angin laut... tapi, mana asyik ke pantai sendirian... kalo diculik gimana ntar???? ^_^
Ada someone yang janji ngajak ke pantai, tapi janji itu entah kapan bakal direalisasikan... dia mulai sibuk, sangat sangat sibuk... gak enak juga punya teman yang super sibuk, punya waktu luang cuma sedikit dan tak tentu LOL... tapi well, dia sedang mengejar karirnya, apalagi sekarang baru diangkat sebagai karyawan tetap... lagi semangat-semangatnya kerja... sukses deh buatmu, my dear friend! ^_^
Ayna Mafar????

Pengeenn banget ke pantai di Sungailiat sana... tak harus Parai, Pesona atau pantai terkenal lainnya, karena kalo weekend apalagi libur gini, pasti pantainya rame banget... secara I don't like really crowded places... ke pantai yang waktu itu dikunjungi juga cukup. Gak tau nama pantainya apa, tapi yang jelas the beach's really cool. Bebatuannya tingi-tinggi menjulang, ada pula yang bentuk tugu... ada hutan belukar yang indah pula di tepiannya... perpaduan yang menarik antara hutan dan lautan... please, someone, take me to the beach!!!!! LOL

Hopefully, besok bisa menghabiskan liburan somewhere, tak hanya berdiam diri di rumah saja... Kalau memang teman yang janji ngajakin ke pantai sejak berbulan dan abad yang lalu (yang bagian abad itu lebay doang kok... hahahaha) gak punya waktu, it's okay and will be fine.. teman-teman lain juga boleh....
Dear My God the Almighty...
I hope this weekend will run well,
I hope I can spend this weekend to the place I really want to go to
I hope, I deserve a nice-interesting weekend... amen

LOL....
I hope....